MODESTY: Dressing appropriately shows respect at Mass

By KARA KOCZUR, Globe staff reporter
(Email Kara)

You can't wear that to church.

Sound familiar?

Chances are most people either heard the phrase as kids growing up, or have said it now as parents to their own children. It's a phrase almost guaranteed to start a fight.

It's also a phrase Marla Dziedzic of St. Joseph's in Milford, has said to her own children on occasion, typically in that last "mad rush" to get to church. Dziedzic, 43, along with her husband, Dean, have two girls, ages 17 and 15, and an 11-year-old son.

"There have been times when I've sent my kids back in the house when we get in the car," she said. "I know I've had my kids change and they're like, 'Well, Mom I don't have any of my khakis clean.' And I'm like, 'Well, you can't wear that to church then. You need to find something else.' They definitely have fought me on it."

What to wear

Many wonder what exactly is appropriate to wear to Mass. People hear they are to dress modestly and appropriately, but why is it a big deal? What about in the summer when it's hot? Are jeans appropriate? As long as they're attending Mass, should it even matter what people wear?

Yet, it does matter. What people wear to church reveals what they think is happening at the Mass; what they think about meeting Jesus Christ in the Eucharist, said Bishop R. Walker Nickless.

"If it's a very casual, kind of matter-of-fact thing to go to Mass, then that's often reflected in the way they dress," he said. "If they come realizing it's the most sublime, beautiful, magnificent prayer that we could ever say as a community, then hopefully they would realize that in the way they dress."

The way people dress for Mass is a problem, the bishop said. However, it isn't a problem specific to the Diocese of Sioux City, but worldwide. At the Vatican and in the Diocese of Rome, people dressed inappropriately cannot enter the churches, and instead must buy paper pants or shawls if they want to enter. Last summer the Archdiocese of Manila, Philippines, posted dress code guidelines reminding Catholics of appropriate attire for Mass.

Bishop Nickless said he is particularly concerned about the way men and women are dressing for confirmation, as well as how altar servers are dressed under their albs, where flip-flops and shorts are never appropriate, he added.

He said that spaghetti strap and strapless clothes for women also aren't appropriate at Mass. Jeans can be okay, he said, as long as they don't have holes, aren't too sagging for men or too tight for women. He said men and women need to be aware of the visual image they project, and that the way they dress can be an occasion of sin for another.

"We've lost the virtue of modesty and purity in our lives," said Bishop Nickless, adding that programs like Totus Tuus are helping youth reclaim the virtue. "Modesty and simplicity in our dress shows that there is something more important than how we look on the outside. It's a way of clothing our soul."

With the way styles are these days, Dziedzic said with girls, dressing appropriately can be hard. She doesn't allow her daughters to wear tight fitting clothes or really low cut shirts, and if they wear a tank top they must cover it with a sweater, she said. Her children also can't wear old tennis shoes, sweat pants or holey jeans.

"I just always try to tell them, 'It's an hour out of your week and we're in God's house and you can certainly dress up,'" she said.

Having respect for God's house is also something Susan Julius, 54, of Immaculate Conception Parish in Cherokee, reminded her two children, now grown, of when it came to dressing for Mass.

"I always tried to impress upon the children when they were growing up that this is God's house and that we're also going to receive him through the Eucharist," Julius said. "We wanted to come in with a mindset that showed that respect and so we dressed with that in mind."

Depending on the weather, Julius said she'll wear slacks, dressier capris, skirts, a blouse or a sweater to Mass. Her husband, Alan, usually wears a collared shirt and slacks.

Julius believes that the way people are dressed affects their attitudes and feelings walking into church.

"You have a certain amount of respect," she said. "You've made that effort to think about the fact that you're not just going down to the baseball field, you're going into God's house."

While Bishop Nickless said he is happy people are at Mass no matter how they're dressed, he asks that parishioners use common sense in choosing attire out of respect for Christ, the community and others.

"If they could just take a moment and think about where they're going, what's going to happen at Mass and if this is appropriate," he added. "If I was going to meet the president, if I was going to meet the pope, if I was going to meet some very important person, would I dress this way?"

Julius agrees that it's better that people are at Mass, but said when they have the means, they should try to dress appropriately.

"It's a fine line where you hope people will go to church and not feel unwelcomed or that kind of thing, but I still think you don't have to spend a lot of money to dress appropriately," she said. "I always told the kids, 'Your blue jeans cost almost more than these khakis.'"

Bishop Nickless believes a lot can be done if religious education directors and teachers take the time to talk to their students about modesty and dress. However, parents have the number one role when it comes to educating their children on the issue, and must take that role on responsibly, he added.

"A lot of this goes back to parents," he said. "We have to help encourage parents and help them to be strong [and] consistent with their children and not be easily swayed to give in just because of the pressure one of their sons or daughters puts on them that nobody dresses this way."

Dziedzic acknowledged that it becomes harder as kids get older because parents no longer dress them themselves. But, she said her kids are at a point where they just know what she and her husband feel is appropriate. Dziedzic's advice for parents is to make sure their children have at least one outfit to wear to Mass, and to just stay strong.

"I guess it's just a matter of really trying to instill in them why they should dress up in church because it is God's house and that you're going to be receiving the Eucharist," she added.

Julius recommends talking with children as they get older that in life they will be expected to show respect for certain things by the way they dress, such as in the workplace, and that the respect they show when they receive the body and blood of Jesus is even more important.

She also said parents should set their expectations when the children are young. In her family, her son and daughter didn't have a choice when it came to dressing appropriately for Mass.

"I think the best thing for new parents is that you start from the very beginning and set that routine down that that's what's going to happen on Sunday mornings," Julius said, "that they're going to have certain things that they wear."

Both Dziedzic and Julius said it can be distracting at Mass when people are dressed inappropriately, and Julius believes it can be even more distracting for young people, who are vulnerable, she said. It makes it all the more important that parents talk with their kids about what is appropriate.

"I think we forget that the young people, [those in] the teenage years and the pre-teen," she said, "need that guidance because they're not going to necessarily just know that's not appropriate if no one has ever led them in that direction."