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Valentines and alcoholics

                                                          
 By Mick Conway
Addictions
 
    What is it like to love an alcoholic?  It can be a difficult task, for chemically dependent people are not always loveable.  Their behaviors often cause embarrassment to themselves and to others and the frustration of trying to keep love alive under the stress of alcoholism can be a discouraging effort.
 
    Alcoholics are notoriously unpredictable and irresponsible individuals and those who love them are faced with nearly impossible barriers.  Broken promises, repeated disappointments, undcharacteristic responses such as violent outrbursts are symptoms of this devastating disease.  Hate often replaces love in alcoholic relationships but it is important to remember not to hate the person but to hate the behavior.
 
    John Powell, S.J., writes in his book, Unconditional Love, that love may be "tough" love, not at all sweet and coddling.  "You may ask me for another drink when you are already inebriated or you may ask me to join you in some deception.  Of course, if I truly love you, I must say an emphatic "No!" to these requests.  If you are on a self-destructive course like alcoholism, you will meet in me a firm and confronting love.  But when needed, my love will also be "tender".  If you have tried and failed and you just need a hand in yours in the darkness of diappointment, you can count on mine."
 
    What does it mean to be loved unconditionally?  It is the universal desire, the unspoken need we all have for feeling valued and appreciated.  In spite of our shortcomings and imperfections, we share the hope of being accepted for the person we are.
 
    John Powell states that in the process of loving, there are three important stages: (1) Kindness: a warm assurance that "I am on your side.  I care about you". (2) Encouragement: a strong reassurance of your own strength and self-sufficienty.  (3) Challenge: a loving but firm exhortation to action.
 
    In loving an alcoholic, these three principles may be important for both the giver and the receiver of love.  The foundation of love is a communicated caring about the happiness of the one loved and an affirmation or reassurance of that loved one's worth.  Although alcoholic behavior is not acceptable, the alcoholic is a uniquely valuable person and a child of God.
 
    Encouraging the alcoholic to fight for his or her sobriety through Alcoholic Anonymous or through an alcoholic rehabilitation program puts the responsibility for that person's recovery squarely where it belong - on the alcoholic.  Encouragement makes the one loved aware of his or her strength and sends a strong messagae of support.
 
    Challenging your loved one to act is, as John Powell says, the loving push to actually use this strength:  "Try. Stretch.  If you succeed, I will be in the front row clapping my hands off.  If you fail, I will be sitting right at your side.  You won't be alone. Go ahead now - give it your best shot.  You can do it!"