Cohabitation... Why is living together a big deal?

By KATIE LEFEBVRE, Globe staff reporter
Feb. 7, 2008

Cohabitation before marriage has become more common in today's society.

For Brian and Heather Stehr cohabitiation wasn't something they even considered before getting married in 2006.

"When you get married, that is when you get to move in together," said Heather, who met Brian while attending Briar Cliff University in Sioux City. "That is what we had been taught when we were growing up. That is the way marriage should be."

The couple got married at St. Martin Church in Odebolt in August 2006. They are currently parishioners at St. Joseph Church in Sioux City.

"If you live together before marriage, what is so special about marriage and the honeymoon?" said Brian.

Church view

Msgr. Mark Duchaine, vicar general for the diocese and pastor at St. Mary in Mapleton and St. Mary in Oto, stated that cohabitation is "gravely sinful and seriously harmful."

"According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church, it is morally wrong because you are living as husband and wife without marriage," said Father Thomas Hart, pastor at Our Lady of Good Counsel in Fonda and St. Columbkille in Varina. "The act of sexual intercourse is reserved for people that are married. People who are living in a cohabitation situation are living in a sinful situation. It prevents them from receiving Communion."

Father Craig Collison, pastor at Sacred Heart in Sioux City, pointed out that the sacrament of marriage brings two people together to begin a family and a home.

"It is directly opposed to that sacrament if two people are living a married sort of life before they receive the sacrament of marriage," he said. "Marriage is a covenant in the Catholic Church. It is simply more than a contract to allow two people to legally live together."

Some couples, who were cohabitating, came back and told Father Collison that the wedding and the sacrament were not as special, in a sense, because they had done everything already.

In Father Hart's experience about 70 percent of couples cohabitate before marriage.

"Basically what they are doing is following the culture," said Father Hart. "The culture we are living in says there is nothing wrong with it. They use this is an excuse to say, 'Are we compatible? Can we get to know each other better before marriage?'"

When couples use that approach, instead of getting to know one another, Father Hart said that they start having sexual intercourse. Then that takes over and the communication becomes less.

"Couples who jump into a sexual relationship and then begin cohabitation deprive themselves of the opportunity to develop their relationship naturally and appropriately - moving from acquaintanceship, to friendship, to romantic love, to betrothal and marriage, and then to sexual relations," said Msgr. Duchaine.

He agreed that the lure of cohabitation is "enhanced by virtue of the permissive society in which we now live."

"Cohabitation is proclaimed by the secular media as a reasonable and appropriate way in which couples can and should live," said the vicar general. "The influence of movies and television insofar as this is concerned is pervasive and destructive."

He acknowledged that the number of cohabitating couples is "skyrocketing." Thirty years ago when he was ordained, it was almost unheard of for couples to cohabitate.

"At the 15-year mark of my priesthood that number had already dramatically increased. Now it's at the point where, I hate to admit, I almost anticipate that a couple is cohabiting as soon as they contact me to see about getting married," said Msgr. Duchaine.

According to a 2002 report released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), by age 30, three-quarters of women in the U.S. have been married and about half have cohabited outside of marriage.

The report also stated that "the probability of a first marriage ending in separation or divorce within five years is 20 percent, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within five years is 49 percent. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending is 33 percent, compared with 62 percent for cohabitations."

David Lopez, chancellor for the Diocese of Sioux City, said that these impartial statistics, not demonstrating the importance of faith, are revealing of what the numbers really do say.

"The statistics from the CDC reveal that cohabitation doesn't work," said Lopez. "Cohabitation more than doubles the likelihood that the marriage will end in divorce."

He said that even though the stats are from 2002, "no one expects that they have gotten better."

Couples who are cohabitating

Father Hart pointed out that when he is preparing a couple, who are cohabitating, for marriage he lets them know that it is wrong. Also, they should not be receiving Communion.

"Then before the sacrament of marriage, I say that they need to receive the sacrament of penance before the sacrament of matrimony," said the priest.

Father Collison mentioned that he asks couples if they are living together. If they are, he asks them to consider not living together any longer until they are married.

"Some do and some don't," he said. "I see my role as trying to do all I can to bring them to the sacrament as best I can. I do encourage them and I have a pamphlet that I give them on cohabitation."

He said that during preparation the FOCCUS has a section for those that are cohabitating.

Advantages of not cohabitating

Msgr. Duchaine noted that the main advantage to not cohabitating is avoiding "grave sin" and the consequences that come from that.

"Secondly, they give themselves a much better chance to become established as a couple, to grow into their relationship, and to receive the graces necessary to maintain it in a sacramental union," he said.

The Stehrs said they had to get used to living together after marriage, but they wouldn't have had it any other way.

"You are starting on a new adventure," said Heather. "There is always the adjustment period, but we adjusted really well."

She added that they knew each other so well before marriage that moving in together after marriage was just a continuation of their life.

"One of the main reasons people try living together is to see if it will work beforehand," said Brian. "You shouldn't need to try it out first."

Heather commented that "if you are in love and know each other well enough you should know that it is going to work."

When a couple is not cohabitating, it gives the priest a chance to work with them on their communication - talking through issues, raising issues that they haven't talked about.

"The FOCCUS does a wonderful job," said Father Hart. "I have had couples say, 'We never thought of that.'"