LOST A LOVED ONE? Beginning Experience helps with healing process

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
Oct. 4, 2007

The loss of a loved one through death or divorce can be one of life's most painful and devastating experiences.

Richard Rauterkus of Manilla said when he went through a divorce in January of 1999, he felt as though his world fell apart.

"I felt like I was stuck in a rut and just couldn't get out; I felt like I was a failure at being a husband," said the parishioner of Sacred Heart Church in Manilla. "I had good friends, but I didn't think they understood what I was going through."

Life changed and hope was restored for him after he went through the Beginning Experience Weekend in June of 1999. He went through it a second time about a year later.

"It was like a God-sending thing for me. This is where I needed to be," said Rauterkus.

Because he wanted to give something back and he wanted to continue to nurture the friendships he made through the program, he began to volunteer. He will serve as one of the facilitators at the BE weekend to be held next month.

Beginning Experience of Northwest Iowa will hold a weekend Nov. 9-11 at Camp Okoboji for divorced, widowed or separated (with divorce pending) persons of all faiths. The weekends are offered twice a year.

Diane Manhart of Orange City attended a weekend in 2002 and became a team member in 2003 because she was so thankful for the program that she wanted to reach out to others. She now serves as president of the Northwest Iowa Chapter of Beginning Experience.

Shared experience

Through the weekend she said participants can expect to be among others who understand their pain, participants are given the opportunity to hear others' personal stories about their losses and how they worked through their pain. They can share with others if they opt to do so and know that it is a confidential setting.

"The BE weekend was very effective for me, I was able to be with kindred spirits who understood my pain and gave me feedback on how to move forward towards finding a new life and hope for a future," said Manhart.

Mary Nieland, a parishioner at St. Bernard Parish in Breda, has been involved in BE for about three years. She, too, serves as a facilitator.

"It was so valuable to me because I was so stuck in my grief I didn't know what to do to help myself," she said. "By attending a BE weekend, I was given tools to deal with my situation of being alone again. I was married for 35 years and suddenly single again after losing my spouse suddenly to a heart attack."

If people attend a Beginning Experience Weekend, she said they can expect to find a safe environment in which to share their feelings of grief and loss whether through divorce or being widowed.

"I would encourage anyone who is experiencing a loss to attend a weekend. Beginning Experience provides grief resolution programs, which are used to move participants through a transforming process to a new start after experiencing loss," said Nieland.

Learning to trust again

During the weekend, Rauterkus explained, facilitators give talks about trusting yourself again and trusting God again.

He mentioned that the weekends attract a diverse age range - anywhere from early 20s to 60s. While their age and circumstances of grieving may be different, Rauterkus said they have a common bond.

Mindy Utley, a parishioner at Holy Trinity Parish in Fort Dodge, attended the weekend in the fall of 2006. In February, she returned as a team member and will serve again in November.

"This has helped me tremendously by reaching out to others that are going through a similar experience as I am," she said.

Utley had learned of the BE Weekend through an announcement in her parish bulletin.

"I was going through a difficult time in my life and I wanted something to help in the healing process," she said. "I wanted to renew my hope in my future and start a new beginning."

The weekend, noted Utley, offered ample time for self-reflection and group sharing. It also helped her strengthen her relationship with God.

"It was a very valuable experience and I would recommend it to everyone dealing with the loss of a loved one. The friendships that have developed through BE are amazing," she said.

Lifetime friendships

Like many who have gone through BE, Utley has remained in contact with many others who have participated in the weekend.

Rauterkus added that he has friends from BE that will be "true friends for the rest of my life. The friendship and the fellowship is tremendous."

When Manhart gets together with BE friends she said, "I can share with them what is going on in my life, whether it is positive or negative, they understand the set backs of being a single person again, they understand the roller coaster of emotions that comes with losing a spouse. My BE friends provide support, love and hope - hope that the pain eventually fades and that there is life after loss."

While this program is facilitated by persons who have been through the weekend, the Diocese of Sioux City offers support to the program. The ministry began in the Diocese of Sioux City 27 years ago when Father Jim Bruch headed the diocesan Family Life Office. Priests of the diocese give of their time to the ministry by making the sacrament of reconciliation available to Catholics attending the weekend and celebrating the liturgy.

Presently, Vera Ludwig, diocesan coordinator of family programs, serves as the liaison between the diocese and the BE board.

"This is a peer support program - peer to peer - and for those who are over the initial shock, grief and anger, from long-term separation, divorce or widowhood it's a wonderful program. They learn that God still loves them and cares very much about them," said Ludwig.

Registrations for the upcoming weekend will be accepted until Nov. 1. For more information or an application, contact the Office of Adult and Family Ministries at (712) 233-7532.