Therapist offers tips for effective praise

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
August 30, 2007

Words are powerful.

They can build up and encourage positive behavior or tear down and create disillusionment.

That's why a therapist at Catholic Charities in Sioux City, Meg Bessman-Quintero, said it's important for parents to know what it takes to give effective praise to their children. Praise, she said, can reinforce desirable behavior - cooperation, compliance, following the rules, playing with others and more.

"Praise is an important part in learning social skills and all of the other behaviors that we want," she said. Modeling also reinforces behavior.

She referred to a parenting book she uses, SOS Help for Parents, by Lynn Clark, Ph.D. The book encourages parents to reward good behavior.

"If you continually correct and correct and correct me, then I'll probably become discouraged," said Bessman-Quintero.

Corrective action - where you target undesirable behavior and point out that something should be done in a different way - should be followed by praise time and again.

"Afterwards, you have to reinforce every time I do it right because you want me to do it a particular way," she said.

Following the corrective action, Bessman-Quintero said it's not uncommon for the child to do something right 10 times without any praise but the first time they slip up, the parent quickly points out their mistake.

"If we are critically-based, we tend to focus on undesirable behavior. If we are praise-based then we use effective praise on a regular basis and promote desirable behavior," she said.

She recommended that praise and corrective behavior be specific to the action - then even corrective action doesn't send the message that it is an inadequacy of the person and not the behavior.

"You'll get a lot better response from children if you praise the behavior. Let's say Susie cleaned up her room and I say, 'Susie, I really like the way you cleaned your room. It looks very nice. You did a good job.'

"But if I only say, 'Good girl, Susie, you cleaned your room.' Now I'm saying Susie is a good girl only when she cleans her room," said Bessman-Quintero.

Eventually the children may define themselves as only being good when they have a clean room.

"It doesn't mean you can never say that - 'Good girl, Susie, you cleaned your room' - but don't let that be the only thing you say. Don't let every praise you give be about the character of the person. Make sure the praise is about the desired behavior - so it equally helps the person feel good about themselves and it increases the likelihood that behavior will be repeated," she said. "We all like to get praise and for people to pay attention to what we are doing."

If parents criticize when the children do right and when they do something wrong, then children don't really get a sense of what is wrong or right. They start to get the sense that it's about them personally, not the behavior.

Praise must be sincere and parents shouldn't praise bad behavior.

If Johnny draws on the wall, the therapist said of course parents should not tell them it was a pretty picture when corrective action is in order.

Praise should also be immediate.

"You have to catch kids being good and then praise the behavior," she said.

If a child makes their bed in the morning, a parent can tell them thanks for making the bed, it looks really good.

If a child shares their crayons a parent should tell them, "Thanks for sharing your crayons with your brother, it shows that you care about his feelings."

These statements help clarify the reason for the praise. The children then learn why the behavior was desirable.

She recommended that the praise be brief.

"It can be one sentence, but it should be action packed," said Bessman-Quintero.

Citing the book once again, she said it states that parents should frequently and abundantly award good behavior.

"One of the things that parents say is, 'I shouldn't have to tell my kids, they should just know what to do.' When obedience is expected and perfection is expected -that is usually a pretty critical parent," she said.

The therapist said these issues often come up in sessions dealing with communication problems between parents and children.

Bessman-Quintero said praise works the same for everyone - adults and children. With that in mind, some of the same concepts can be applied to the work environment.

"When you do your job well for a year and someone says, 'Gosh, you are doing a good job. I like this and this and this.' That feels good," she said. But if that doesn't happen or only negatives are pointed out to the worker, then that's a different story.

On the job scene, Bessman-Quintero noted that if people become "critical of what we do. We start to become less satisfied and less motivated. Children are no different. (Without praise) children start to become less likely to use the energy to do the tasks correctly."