TROUBLE IN PARADISE - What causes a marriage to head to divorce?

By KATIE LEFEBVRE, Globe staff reporter
July 26, 2006

Where do marriages go wrong? According to Father Michael Erpelding, a member of the Tribunal and pastor at St. Joseph Parish in Sioux City, there are many factors that should be looked at before getting married to possibly prevent a marriage from going wrong.

"Career, number of children, spacing of children, how they are going to be educated and where you are going to live are all things that need to be worked out before you get married," said Father Erpelding. "You need to come to some sort of agreement on them. The most important thing is you have to agree to love each other unconditionally."

He continued that if someone has a desire or is strongly committed to something such as a career, they need to make an agreement about how family life can fit into that as well.

Father Erpelding mentioned that some couples say, "There was a problem before we got married, and I thought it would change after we got married."

"When in fact, if you have a problem before marriage, it could be likely that the problem will be worse after the marriage," he said. "It is very important to understand that people don't necessarily change drastically because they enter into the sacrament of matrimony."

Vera Ludwig, coordinator of family programs for the Diocese of Sioux City, mentioned that respect makes a marriage.

"It is about respect. When you respect someone, you treat them differently. You treat them with honor," said Ludwig. "One of the things that causes lack of respect is not communicating."

She quoted an article by Diane Sollee by saying, "The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict. The reason why we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce. In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are so much in love and we believe that being in love is about agreeing."

Ludwig noted that in the article Sollee wrote there are about 10 areas of "incompatibility or disagreement with any relationship."

"When couples divorce they may change the 10 areas, but they actually increase because they are dealing with two families now," said Ludwig.

She commented that it depends on who people talk to as to what will cause the most problems or lead to divorce.

"In a study done by Creighton Marriage and Family Institute, the top three that people had a conflict with were time, sex and money," said Ludwig. "Those are the hot button issues, but there are people who have different issues."

Father Erpelding pointed out that another aspect to look at is a person's relationship with their family.

"It is likely that how they interact with their family is how they will interact with their new family," said Father Erpelding. "If the people that you trust - parents, brothers and sisters, friends - tell you that there is a problem with the person you are marrying, you should take that into consideration and not be clouded by infatuation."

Father Erpelding stressed not to tolerate physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

"Get help and let professionals help you," said the priest. "If this is happening, you probably shouldn't be with that person."

He explained that no matter what religion someone is, they are influenced by the popular culture of the United States. He added that popular culture says that people "have to look good, you have to get married at a certain age, you have to have a certain number of kids and you have to have a certain amount of income."

"All of this puts pressure on Christian marriage, which says you have to lay down your life for your friend, you have to be committed for lifetime, it has to be exclusive and it has to be open to having children. Those are counter-cultural," said Father Erpelding.

"Sometimes people get married because they feel like they are in love when marriage is really a decision that they have to make - that they can love this person and can be with this person for the rest of their life," said the priest. "Love isn't a feeling it is a decision."

He pointed out that the marriage does not start until the vows are exchanged at the wedding in front of the priest and witnesses.

"If the ceremony has already started and you decide you have made a big mistake, it is perfectly fine to walk away from that," said Father Erpelding. "Marriage preparation is exactly what it says - preparation for marriage. If you discover in the midst of preparation, even if it is the 11th hour, it is okay to step away from it. That is part of the reason why we have a six-month preparation time."

He added that the culture makes people think they have to get married, but the Christian faith says people do not have to get married.

Ludwig quoted the book "The Rule of Benedict for Beginners" by Will Derkse and said, "But love is not something soft and rosy but a form of commitment given unconditionally from the heart that needs to be cultivated 'in good and bad days.'"

"I think all people need to remember that about love, especially married couples," said Ludwig. "Their vows were not on 'just the good days will I love you' but 'for better or worse, richer or poorer,' even in good days and bad days. It takes a commitment to remember that especially on the bad days it's not easy but in the long run, well worth it."

There is a Catholic program on the Internet called Retrouvaille (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i) that offers tools to help couples rediscover a loving marriage relationship. The Web site is www.retrouvaille.org.

"For couples who are having troubles and really want to deal with their issues, Retrouvaille is a program that I have heard is really good," said Ludwig. "It is a French word meaning rediscovery."

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops sponsors a Web site, www.foryourmarriage.org, as well.

Ludwig also suggested that if a couple is having problems, there are tools for them to use from the diocesan media center.