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Parenting teenagers: Families set rules, consequences based on valuesBy RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
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| PARENTING TEENS
1. Remember the importance of peer pressures of your childhood and the need for adults to consider these influences. 2. Remember the importance of accepting the teen's point of view as one valid option. 3. State your point of view - facts not feelings. 4. Discuss the pros and cons of each view. 5. Be willing to compromise. When all the listening, sorting and understanding have been done the rest is up to them. If they choose an option with desirable outcomes, revel in their independence. If they choose an option with less than desirable outcomes, help them as they suffer the consequences of their choice lovingly and begin again. (A publication of Catholic Charities of the Diocese of Sioux City, Iowa) |
"The family rules should not be a surprise to the kids by the time they are teenagers," she added. "The bottom line for parenting teenagers is there needs to have been or be discussion about what are the family values and what are the family rules."
She stressed the importance of involving teens and even young children as much as possible in setting the rules. They also need to have a part in setting what the consequences would be if the rules were not abided by.
The therapist recommended that the family establish rules around particular issues relating to specific situations such as dating, the hours that the teen is expected home and if they are caught drinking.
Rather than setting a blanket time at 11 p.m. or midnight for which the teen is to be back home in the evening, she recommended that it be set based on the activity. Sometimes they may have to be home at 10:30 p.m. or 11 p.m. rather than always at midnight.
"You set it based on their plans. If they are going to a movie, know what movie and have some sense as to when that movie got out. Then give them time if they are going to get something to eat and give them some latitude - then set a time," she said. "If they are just going out to mess around, if they leave the house at 6 p.m. and mess around until 12 a.m. - I don't think so, but that is up to the family values."At the same time, teens do need time with their friends.
Cole acknowledged that by the time the children enter into their adolescent years, their peers become increasingly important so parents should give youth time to hang out with their friends.
If the teenager wants to go out with their friends rather than going with the family to grandma's house this visit, she said, "it's not being disrespectful to the family. Adolescence is about gaining independence and they need to find a balance in this."
For instance, each family must decide for themselves things that they will do together no matter what. This could be eating all meals together or always going to Mass together.
"Parents must remember the importance of peer pressure," said Cole. Whether or not parents allow their children to become involved in something or go where "everyone's gonna be" depends on where it is, how much it costs, what they are doing.
Again, keeping the lines of communication open is key.
"You have to talk with them about the major issues we have today - drugs, sex, predators. We've always had predators, but it is big time now," she said. "You have to worry more about strangers than you ever did before."
She said parents shouldn't scare their children when talking about this, but when a youth says they can take care of themselves Cole recommended that they acknowledge strength as a great quality but one aspect of that is being able to size up the people around them.
"The bottom line is that the families need to express the concerns that their communities have now regarding the safety of their children and give them some safety plan for themselves without unduly restricting them to be kids," explained the therapist.
Relating to the wide availability of drugs and alcohol, Cole stressed the importance of education. They might sit down as a family and talk about the issue.
Cole suggested something like this, "You're going to be tempted out there and I hope you don't try it. Some of these pills and drugs can really harm you and some won't, but while you are under the influence you can harm yourself. I just worry about you. I love you so much and I don't want anything to happen to you. If you do get tangled up in something, though, I hope you can come home and let me know. I promise you that if you come for help, I will not punish you."
On the other hand, if a teen comes home and they had been drinking and then drove on top of that, then the youth should be prepared for the previously outlined consequences such as not having access to the car for a designated time. The first offense it may be a week; second possibly a month.
Also in line with drinking, the therapist stressed that the parents should be good role models. It doesn't send a very good message if the parents go out and get drunk.
"Model the values you want in your child," she said.
Cole encourages talks about drugs and alcohol as well as sex to start before the teenage years.
Relating to the subject of sex, she said parents should know what their children are watching on television. If a family allows the teens to watch this type of programming and assuming that the teens have had some type of sex education in their own family, the therapist said it could be used as a point of discussion and to reinforce family values relating to sex.
At times, such as if the teen is not happy with the time they are required to be home, parents may not get the reaction from their youth that they hoped for.
"Expect them to have the last word. Unless you raised the child - 'Yes, mam. Yes, sir.' - they may walk away and slam the door. Let them have some negative reaction as long as it is not violent, destructive or abusive," said the therapist. "Check your anger and pick a time when you can say anything without you demonstrating the very thing that you are upset with."
She urged adults to think back to their own teen years and that may help parents with expectations of their children. For instance, when parents complain about their children earning B's in school when they could be receiving A's "if they only worked to their potential," she asks them to remember back to their own schooldays. Did they always apply themselves to the best of their ability?
Within the family rules, they must decide the bottom-line for grades such as C's. Ultimately, it is up to the teen if they opt to apply themselves in school and parents' harping on grades all the time can often hurt parent-child relationships. If the parent did not apply themselves in school, they may tell their story and offer reasons they wish they had.
Leave room for the teens to make their own choices and give their opinions.
