Catholic Charities offers tips on handling emotional situations

By KATIE LEFEBVRE, Globe staff reporter
July 14, 2005

FORT DODGE - Emotional situations come up in people's everyday lives but some do not know how to handle them other than bottling them up.

"Most people in the world tend to be uncomfortable with assertively handling conflict or disagreement," said Mary Mix, a licensed mental health counselor at Catholic Charities in Fort Dodge. "Most people, especially women, tend to avoid that because they are afraid of hurting people's feelings, making waves or maybe they don't think they have the right to speak up about things."

Just because someone sweeps their conflict under the rug or avoids talking about it does not mean it goes away, continued Mix. The issue gets stuffed away somewhere. Over time, people have a big bag of stuff they are hauling around.

"You can tell when your bag is full because something small will happen and you will just say, 'That's it,'" she said. "Your bag is full and there it goes. The signs of an impending explosion would be that people aren't keeping relationships current. That means they aren't taking care of things as they come up - resentments and feelings."

A sign that someone is bottling something up and getting ready to "explode" could be their body language - not making eye contact, avoiding contact all together, showing they are closed by crossing their legs.

"If you are sensitive at all, you kind of know when someone is feeling that way about you," said Mix. "Sometimes it is scary and frightening for people to ask how things are going. People avoid that, too, because that would be asking for a confrontation. It is worthwhile to try to keep current on these things, so that they don't become big blobs."

She mentioned that people tend to do emotional cutoffs and end relationships instead of taking care of what is in their bag. Good relationships are hard to come by sometimes. It would be better to try to keep them.

"We encourage people not to react if they are approached with hostility or high emotion or attacks or that kind of thing," said Mix. "What helps is to avoid reacting and try to listen. Actively listen, which means you listen to the content of what is coming at you and try to get a grasp on the feelings. Then let the person know you have heard the whole message."

What a person could say in response is "I heard you say, this, this and this." Then they could say, "You kind of feel this, this and this." The listener reflects the content and emotion that they are hearing. Mix noted that sometimes the listener may have to guess the emotion if the other person doesn't say it.

Mix explained that the person should not reflect what the other person was saying in a tape recording, parroting kind of way.

"Just let the person know you are present with them and that you are getting it and you are not going to attack back," said Mix. "That has a lot to do with helping to deescalate the situation."

Eventually, if the two parties talk long enough, they will get to what is underneath the anger. Mix expressed that the anger is the secondary emotion. The emotion is usually about hurt, betrayal or some feeling that has gotten old and has not gotten dealt with and turns into the anger.

"If you listen long enough, the person will probably get down to that place. Then you can really have a discussion about the real feelings," said Mix. "It usually helps once people have felt that they have been validated, heard and respected, just by you listening and letting them know that you are getting it."

The next step is to sit down and problem solve or set some goals about what the two mutually want to do - what the problem is and how they want to fix it together.

"It is not unlike a counseling session, when you have hostile clients coming at you all the time," said Mix. "You need to learn how not to attack back and listen until you get to the place where you can start solving it together. It is a lot like friendships."