Fighting fair: Catholic Charities offers some tips

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
June 23, 2005

When you are in the heat of an argument, that's generally not the best time to establish guidelines for fighting fair.

"Ideally you would want to review some fair fighting steps when everyone is at peace," said Ryan Groetken, a licensed mental health counselor at Catholic Charities in Sioux City. "If you don't set up some guidelines, then not everyone is on the same page or at the same level as far as where they are starting at."

Usually the same basic guidelines that can apply to couples can also be used for parents and their children, although some adaptations could be made for children.

"The important thing to think about with children is that they are physically smaller and adults usually have the intellectual advantage," he said.

Groetken recommended speaking to children in more concrete terms instead of the abstract. For instance, if one child is in trouble for talking to their brother in the wrong way he mentioned that it is probably best not to go into a long explanation as to why it is wrong. Tell the child it is wrong and follow with one or two simple thoughts as opposed to an in-depth lecture.

"Keep it simple," he stressed. "You also might want to get down to their level."

In "getting down to their level", he means that literally. Groetken recommended that parents take a bended-knee or sit down, that way the child may not feel so intimidated.

One of the first things to consider for fair fighting is to eliminate as many distractions as possible before the discussion begins. He acknowledged that in most homes it is impossible to avoid all distractions, but simple things such as turning off the television and cell phone is beneficial.

The individuals must take the time to listen to one another and at least attempt to see where they are coming from.

"If you think you have to win, it sabotages the fair fighting tips," said Groetken.

When dealing with a child, he recommended that parents give their children choices. If there is a fight over not allowing a teenager to go to the mall, then the parent should try to give them other options - go to a friend's house or cousin's house.

"Then they feel like they have a little more power in their relationship," he said.

While fair fighting guidelines are helpful, he said having emotions in check is necessary if anything productive is going to come out of the discussion.

"If you are angry to the point where you don't feel like you can talk about it, it will be difficult going through the steps," explained Groetken. "Everyone would have to have their anger level at a reasonable level where you can at least talk about a situation."

For couples, he said it is especially important that they have their anger under control before beginning a discussion. At times, all it takes is a little time for the strong emotions to dissipate, but some other tips that may help diffuse one's own anger are going for a walk or listening to soothing music. Each person can usually identify something that helps him or her to relax.

One person may also know some ways to help diffuse the other person's anger, however, he stressed that self-awareness is critical. Adults and children can generally spot the red flags of their own anger.

The counselor mentioned that once the individuals begin to converse, body language is important. If people give eye contact and have more of an open posture that can be helpful.

"We should always try to agree with at least one point the other person is making." Groetken added, "And that person does have a right to their opinion whether or not we believe everything does not really matter. They still should be able to have their thoughts and feelings expressed."

He stressed the need for communication. When couples or a parent/child do not see eye-to-eye on a particular situation, the counselor suggested that they brainstorm to try to come up with solutions and then talk out what might be the best option.

"With adults especially, we have to be aware of how our parents communicated because they are usually our primary role models. Children tend to imitate what they see growing up whether it's positive or negative," noted Groetken.