Creating positive, happy home environment

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
June 9, 2005

For some people these words are quick to conjure up happy memories of laughter, family dinners and board games. For others, coming up with happy memories is more of struggle.

How do parents go about establishing a happy home?

Doreen Loeffelholz, clinical supervisor of the Carroll and Storm Lake Catholic Charities branch offices, pointed out that parents must have the capacity to build on the positives - values, morals and a healthy sense of self - within their homes.

"Our happiness and satisfaction really centers from who we are as individuals," she said. "If we do a good job of taking care of ourselves, then we are going to be more effective in all the other roles that we are in - our roles as partners, parents, a sister, a daughter, an employee or a friend - whatever our respective role happens to be."

That sense of self begins in the family that one grows up in - the family of origin.

"Our life experiences in that family shapes what we bring into our lives as we move into other relationships," noted Loeffelholz.

When people enter into counseling, she mentioned that she usually asks people what past experiences influenced who and what they are today. Oftentimes people may bring up positive attributes like the value of honesty or model of a strong work ethic.

"I don't necessarily assume that all of those experiences or influences are good or positive. It may be that a person says, 'I grew up with an alcoholic dad' or 'I grew up with a mom who was always critical.' Sometimes they have already made the connection as to how that influences their lives now," she said.

Even if people had a negative environment as a child, Loeffelholz mentioned that depending on the person they could use that past experience as a motivator to make positive changes in their own home. Unfortunately, she added, some people continue to perpetuate negative behavior as demonstrated by their parents.

She pointed out that along with parents, other relatives such as grandparents or aunts and uncles sometimes help instill positive values and life experiences.

Loeffelholz stressed the importance and the need for family members to have respect for one another.

"One of the challenges we see sometimes are people who really put their best foot forward when they are out in public - at school or work - and by the time they get home they are tired and want to let their hair down. What comes along with it sometimes is a lack of consideration for family members in our home," she said.

Loeffelholz mentioned that family members should make it a habit to extend a friendly greeting to others when they arrive home. They should also offer a farewell when leaving, rather than walking out of the house without a word.

She said it is very important for parents to take the time and consideration to do this as they are the ones who are modeling appropriate behavior to their children.

"Staying connected with one another is vital," she stressed. "It doesn't have to be a two- or three-hour conversation. Sometimes the ride in a car is a good time to have a quick conversation. You can focus on what is going on with their friends or school."

Along with conversation, that connection with children can also be nurtured by offering a supportive smile or hug.

Loeffelholz pointed out that family life requires a great deal of balancing and prioritizing. It does work best when parents work together in this area as difficulties can occur when they don't see eye-to-eye on priorities. Sometimes this can even lead to a breakdown in a relationship. An example of this is when one spouse holds family life as a priority but the other is more focused on work.

Time is an issue. Oftentimes she has heard clients say, "There aren't enough hours in the day."

She recommends that parents examine if they and their children are over-committed.

"If it is not working out, then figure out what you have to change," said Loeffelholz. "It's about finding a balance. Sometimes it is a matter of families sitting down and looking at what they can feasibly do or do justice to. I know families who have their children involved in everything but then discover that they couldn't get it all done because they were running in too many directions."

Some families make it a rule that their children only be involved in two activities at one time. Maybe it is one sport and student government or dance lessons and Girl Scouts. Hopefully education is important, which may require a stipulation that the children can only be involved in the activities if they keep their grades up.

"It is also good to put activities for families into the mix. Again, it comes back to that balance and trying to figure out how to manage it all and do justice to those things they choose to make commitments to," said Loeffelholz.

In addition to family time, the counselor stressed the importance of tending to the marital relationship. Couples may opt to do this in a variety of ways - getting up early in the morning to share a cup of coffee and conversation or going out to dinner and movie every other week.

While it is necessary for spouses to have some alone time, some families opt to have time set aside for each child. The mother may take each daughter out to breakfast once a month or they may spend time together doing a household chore such as making dinner or folding towels.

Good organization, Loeffelholz added, can help life and the household flow smoother.