Marriage retreat refreshes couples

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
November 11, 2004

CARROLL - Married couples in the Diocese of Sioux City attended a retreat last weekend that was designed to refresh and renew their relationships.

According to Bev Hurni, director of family ministries, 12 couples attended the retreat titled Living the Promised Life. It was held Nov. 6 and 7 at the Greteman Parish Center at Holy Spirit Church in Carroll.

Mary Jo Pedersen, who has been on the staff of the Archdiocesan Family Life Office in Omaha for more than 20 years, facilitated the retreat. She helped the couples gain a better understanding of the concept that marriage is a covenant, vocation and sacrament.

"She helped the couples reflect upon what it really meant when they said their promises some years ago and how do they look different now than on the day they got married," noted Hurni. Couples also had the chance to reflect on the holiness of everyday life.

During the retreat, Pedersen gave talks and then the individuals had personal time to reflect along with couple time for dialogue and small group sharing.

The speaker told the couples that 69 percent of the conflicts within a marriage relationship will never be resolved because they are based on family of origin differences, gender differences and personality differences.

"There has to be some acceptance of that and some negotiation skills to learn how to work those things out," said Hurni. "It can range from how we are going to celebrate the holidays to how are we going to spend money because we were taught differently and have different values."

They learned that conflicts were not necessarily a sign that a marriage is in trouble, but what is important is how they negotiate the conflicts and work on compromise - respecting and honoring differences.

Many couples were interested in how Pedersen reflected on the paschal mystery that is lived in married life and how that is modeled on Jesus.

"The relationship of love calls us to die sometimes. Those could be times when we are letting go of things that were important to us as single people because we want to foster the marriage relationship or it could be when tragedies hit our life - illness, financial difficulties, worries about children or older parents. We have those Good Friday experiences that feel horrible and painful. Then we have to learn to wait through the whole Holy Saturday for God to work in those situations. It is only through that rather than around it or ignoring that we get to Easter Sunday where we can share greater joy and growth in our relationship," she said.

Others mentioned that the speaker's comment relating to the forming of an "us identity" was helpful.

Donna Lanus of Bradgate, a parishioner at St. Margaret's in Rolfe, attended the retreat with her husband, Bob. They attended the marriage retreat last year as well.

"This is our anniversary time and every year we do something to enhance our marriage and our relationship," she said. The couple just celebrated their 41st anniversary.

Lanus mentioned that they had attended 26 consecutive Marriage Encounter Conferences, but were unable to go with the death of her brother-in-law this last summer. They opted to go to the diocesan retreat once again. The couple is involved with the Sponsor Couple marriage preparation in their parish and had been on the Marriage Encounter team for the diocese in the past.

The marriage retreat, she noted, was an opportunity to hear how the Lord works in different marriages.

Marcie May of Sioux City, a parishioner at St. Michael Church, attended the retreat with her husband, Charlie.

"We have been married 10 years and have four small children. We don't have a whole lot of time alone. We have wanted to go to a retreat for a while," she noted.

May mentioned that it was good to hear about marriage from some of the older couples - to learn from their experiences and realize that some things never change. She would encourage younger couples to attend because it is so important and there was so much that they learned.

"We learned a ton and talked the whole way home," she said. "We planned out our goals and our new expectations for each other and for our family. We want to make prayer a nightly, family thing."

The Mays liked all aspects of the retreat and felt the speaker was knowledgeable and inspiring.The retreat gave the participants a chance to reflect on their own faith journeys as well as the journey of the couple.

One person commented to Hurni that it was helpful for them to think about what their image of God was when they were 5 years old, 16 years old and today. When he was younger, he may have perceived God to be a Santa Clause of sorts and now that he was older he viewed God as someone who walked with him on his faith journey.

After reflection, another person said that life was like a roller coaster and God was the stabilizer bar (seatbelt).

Another pointed out they now realize they never stop learning until they die. With learning, life has vitality.

Hurni pointed out that there was a range in ages of the couples. The lengths of marriages were from 10 years to more than 50.

"One of the younger women said she was surprised by the number of older couples there. She said it was great to hear their stories, to be with them and get their perspective and to have that model of people who have been married a long time and still cherish their relationship," she said.

Hurni said she would continue to examine the evaluations and will explore various opportunities for marriage enrichment.

She extended gratitude to Holy Spirit Parish for hosting the retreat.