Ideas on family, marriage begin to form in childhood

By KATIE LEFEBVRE, Globe staff writer
Posted February 13, 2003

Preparation for marriage starts much earlier than just before the wedding. It starts when a child is growing up as they witness the relationships around them.

"When most people think about marriage preparation, they think about adults, immediate preparation, and sometimes we think in terms of a class or talks for high school kids," said Kay Morrissey, director of the office of faith formation. "I think that maybe what we don't often think about as much as remote preparation for marriage is, how does what happens in a child's family life prepare them for marriage?"

Research has shown that a person's ideas about faith or involvement in faith is set in childhood, she noted.

"We also know that faith and a couples ability to either share a common faith or to both be strong in their faith are important in the success of marriage," said Morrissey. "So, therefore, when parents are praying with their children, taking their children to church, being involved in a parish, they are helping to set a framework for a healthy adult perspective no matter what that adult's vocation may be."

Other things that help a child in future relationships could be joining a team sport or activity or taking lessons.

"Parents say to them, 'you need to follow through on this, yes there's going to be some tough spots and you may not be totally happy, but you need to follow through,'" said Morrissey. "We are teaching them about commitment and commitment obviously is an important part of a marriage relationship."

A parent may also have to teach a child to accept consequences for their behavior. They are teaching the child that there are also consequences to decisions made in relationships, which goes back to marriage.

"When we help them to realize that theirs isn't the only perspective in the world, in other words, that either in dealing with parents or other siblings that other people can have a different perspective, we are helping them recognize that the same could be true if at some point they choose a mate for marriage. Their perspectives won't always be the same," she said.

These kinds of things may not be associated with marriage, but they are valuable components to family life that help prepare someone for a marriage, added Morrissey.

"I think that, while we know our traditions and our prayer life, the way we look at life is set in the family in which we grow up," said Morrissey. "Obviously the person we marry might have a very different family background."

Sometimes, parents get caught up in the day to day energy of taking care of a child and what situations are happening in the now. They care about their children and want them to grow up with good relationships.

"What I would hope that parents of young children would look at is that this has very long term effects as well as immediate effects," she said. "That what we do with small children today certainly does impact who they become. One could say, well then that is an awesome responsibility. Yes it is. If we look at what we learned as we grew up and what we want to convey and stay faithful to that, I believe we are on the right track. I think it is also important that parents have other parents who share the same values that they do so their children are in those kinds of associations."

Children should play and spend time with children whose parents have the same values. Parish is a primary way that parents and their children could find people with these values, noted Morrissey. The "support network," for the child, can be established out and they can start to develop healthy relationships.