Finding God's gifts at time of loss
By Renee Webb, Globe associate editor
Posted April 4, 2002

REMSEN - Anyway you look at it, the death of a child is a heavy burden to carry.

Mary Arens, spiritual life director at St. Mary's High School here, found strength and comfort in faith, family and friends after the death of her son, Ben.

A 16-year-old sophomore at St. Mary's, Ben died in an ATV accident last April 29.

"He was known for his free spirit. He loved the outdoors - was a hunter and fisherman," she described. "Nature was his passion."

Ben was also known to be non-judgmental and had friends young and old.

Almost a year later, the loss is still tremendous.

"Every waking minute is centered around that loss," said Mary, who added that she doesn't believe people ever really get through the grieving process. "Family and friends are one of the main keys to survival."

In spite of her great loss, Mary has tried to count her blessings and not her heartaches. She considers her husband and children to be among her greatest blessings.

Mary referred to her husband, Keith, as her rock. Their surviving children are Sarah, 21, and Mitchell, 13. They bring her strength and give her a reason to carry on.

"Family holidays and traditions are very difficult now that a very special part is missing," she stressed. "Therefore, as a family we try to do everything different yet in a positive manner in regard to those special days."

For instance, on Ben's birthday in July they began the day with Mass and then went canoeing. They spent the evening at a friend's cabin and concluded the day with prayer led by Father Tim Johnson and released 17 orange balloons in Ben's memory.

At Christmas they cut down a small evergreen tree on their farm and then decorated it with food for birds. They took the tree to the cemetery.

During the summer, they went on a Boundary Waters trip - loved by Ben - where they canoed and fished for trout. They knew Ben's spirit was with them.

"For our family, breaking tradition by doing something different is one of the keys to living each day to the fullest, especially those days filled with past memories," Mary said.

Her close friends have been there for the family offering a kind word or much-needed hug at just the right time.

Father Randy Schon, an instructor at the high school, stopped by the house everyday in the days following Ben's death. One day he left a small scrap of paper with Sirach 6:14-17. She read the passage centered on faithful friends the very next day and it gave her strength.

"Scripture is a gift beyond worth," said Mary.

Another priest, Father Paul Eisle gave her a new book titled Living the Promises of God. The book offers Scripture reflections for persons who have experienced the death of a loved one.

Holding the worn book with tattered pages, Mary said that it often was what got her out of bed in the morning. The introduction of the book questioned if the reader was ready to turn their will and life over to the care and keeping of God. It took a while, but eventually the answer for Mary was yes.

"The only way I can get through it is my belief in eternal life," said Mary. Her faith in life after death and knowing that she will be with Ben once again are true gifts.

During times that are extra difficult, Mary prays to God and asks him to help her - "to hold me tighter that day, to guide me and fill me with the Holy Spirit. Whatever it takes to get me through the day."

Throughout the grieving process, Mary has learned the importance of taking one day at a time. Sometimes it's one morning or an afternoon at time. In some ways, that has made life less stressful because she no longer worries about unimportant things.

She finds strength in the Eucharist. Receiving the body and blood of Christ fills her with peace.

"Few things in faith can be physically grasped. Christ's presence is a gift for me," explained Mary.

Her position as the spiritual life director at St. Mary's, she acknowledged, has been a blessing and a challenge. On one hand, the students were a great comfort to her especially when she went back to the school in the fall. On the other hand, not seeing her son among the student population was painful.

The first time she saw the football players in their jerseys brought tears to her eyes. And with her office located near Ben's former locker, it regularly brings back memories of seeing him in the hall.

"But we have great kids at St. Mary's," said Mary. "Actually, it is because of this year's seniors that I did come back. Many of them are on the Christian Leadership Team and they have been comforting throughout."

In her work at the school, she oversees the team that consists of 20 students that are divided into four groups.

With the death of Ben, Mary hopes that it has taught the St. Mary's students to value life and help them make the right choices.

The Remsen parishioner is also a student at Briar Cliff University, working toward her theology degree. One of her current classes involves journaling. She often writes about Ben and it makes her wonder what she would have written about if he was still alive.

Having lost three children of her own, Mary's mother encourages her not to question why Ben died because she will never find the answer.

"I learned immediately that I can't go with the should of, would of and could of," said Mary, who prefers to use her energy in a positive way.

Service has been one of the keys to seeing the good in life. She stressed that by serving others, it takes the focus off of herself. Mary believes people are called to service under any circumstances - joyous or mournful.

With that in mind Mary and her daughter, Sarah, went on a mission trip to Honduras in January. The experience brought her a sense of gratitude. Service is also something she stresses with the students at St. Mary's.

One of Mary's favorite reflections in her devotional book states, "In the world to come, each of us will be called to account for all of the good things God put on earth which we refused to enjoy."

It is with that insight that the spiritual life director tries to live her life.