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LOVE AND LOGIC: Catholic Charities offers parenting classes

By RENEE WEBB, Globe editor
(Email Renee)

Anyone who is a parent probably has used this or a similar expression: Too bad children don’t come with instructions.

While two therapists from Catholic Charities are not handing out instruction manuals, they are facilitating classes that offer practical parenting tips. Titled Becoming a Love and Logic Parent, the seven-week parenting classes are funded through the United Way and are offered in English and Spanish.

Rhonda Brown, who offers Love and Logic in English, acknowledged she was a little hesitant when she was asked to facilitate the classes because her children are all grown, but it didn’t take her long to see the value in the program and capture her enthusiasm.

“The look on the parents’ faces after they have tried the techniques, it’s just amazing,” she said. “They feel as though they are in control of their parenting and their households.”

Catholic Charities learned about the classes after South Sioux City Schools asked the agency’s bi-lingual therapist, Meg Bessman-Quintero, to facilitate the Love and Logic classes for them in Spanish. She has taught five segments through the school over the last two years and another session at Sioux City Cathedral of the Epiphany last summer.

“I think it’s incredible,” she said. “It’s a wonderful program.”

Because the classes appeared to be so successful, the executive director of Catholic Charities decided the agency should offer the classes. The third go-round of classes in English will be offered by Brown starting March 9 at Catholic Charities. Bessman-Quintero is presently offering Love and Logic at Catholic Charities for the second time in Spanish.

They pointed out that many assume the program focuses on teaching good discipline techniques, but that’s not the case.

Teaching responsibility
“Love and Logic teaches parents responsibility along with the parenting,” Brown said. “I’ve always told my clients that our responsibility as a parent is to teach our children to be responsible citizens when they leave the house. This really encompasses that.”

A different lesson plan or module is presented each night of class. In Module 1, material is designed to help parents prepare children for the real world. They look at learning from models and identify four steps to responsibility.

The program stresses the importance of maintaining the dignity of both the adult and the child. They also reinforce to parents that they are in control even if they don’t always feel that way. By taking action, they can positively impact many situations. For instance, if children are fighting over a toy, Bessman-Quintero said parents should not keep repeating “stop that or I’ll take it away. They should just walk in the middle of it and take it away.”

She said parents often talk too much, but often don’t say the right things and they are not talking to their children when they are calm. Along with removing an object from a situation, parents can remove themselves when a child is throwing a tantrum.

“We teach parents that they have to be in control, but in order for children to learn not just to be obedient but to be responsible, they have to learn how to make decisions,” said Bessman-Quintero.

Brown said the program teaches that whenever possible, it is best for parents to share the control with their children. The concept of shared control is addressed in Module 3.

If parents use the “do-it-or-else” method of parenting, Brown said once the child hits 12 or 13 years old that method usually no longer works and then as the child gets older the parents become more frustrated.

The various parenting styles are addressed in Module 4. Helicopter parents hover, rescue, protect and send the message that the children cannot make it without them. Drill sergeants say, “do it now or else,” and often send the message that the children can’t think on their own. Consultants give advice and provide good role modeling, which enables children to make good decisions.

“A lot of parents think that the problems they are having with their children are discipline problems,” Bessman-Quintero said. “It’s really not a discipline problem; it’s a love and logic problem. It’s about loving your children and using logic in your parenting.”

Quite often parents sign up for these classes because they want to get their children to act differently. The classes, however, are focused on getting the parents to act different so the children will eventually act different.

One teenager whose mother had gone through the program commented to Bessman-Quintero that her mother had hardly yelled in the last two weeks.

“The kids have noticed changes in the parent,” she said.

They pointed out that the earlier parents can learn these skills the better, but even those with teenagers can benefit from the program. When working with young children, the concept of decision making can start with simple things: Do you want milk or juice with lunch? If the child takes longer than 10 seconds to decide, pick one for them. If there is complaining, then reassure them that they will have another choice at dinner.

“As a child gets older,” Brown noted, “the choices become much more complex but by passing the control on to the children, it makes it easier for the parents too. Children learn how to be responsible for their own behavior.”

In addition to giving the child more choices, children must then be able to live the consequences of their decisions. The consequences must be realistic, they cautioned. If a parent tells a child, “Pick up your toys or I will throw them in the garbage,” then the parent better be prepared to throw them in the garbage.

Life lessons
When children are given a task and they fail, the program views those situations as good opportunities to learn.

“We learn real life lessons when we make mistakes,” said Bessman-Quintero, who added that parents aren’t called to fix the mistakes or prevent the mistakes but rather show empathy to the child after the failure. From there, children can enhance their problem solving skills.

The therapists stressed the fact that these parenting classes are not meant to teach bad parents how to be good parents, but teach skills to be better parents.

“When I do classes, I want them to see themselves as solid parents who are looking for new or additional skills that go beyond what they may have already used in the past,” Bessman-Quintero said.

Brown acknowledged that with the Anglo population, it is sometimes a challenge to convince parents “that something different is going to work,” but often once they give new methods a try they are surprised by how well it works.

Love and Logic is set up in such a way that parents are encouraged to take one skill from a particular session and then practice it during the week. When they come back to class, they share their experiences, creating more opportunities to learn. Parent workbooks and videos are used to reinforce the lessons.

To reinforce the new parenting skills, it is recommended that parents go through the program two times.
Besides presenting the program at Catholic Charities, the two anticipate offering it in other locations through organizations that have frequent contact with parents. Contact Catholic Charities to register for the March 9 series or for more information at (712) 252-4547. There is no cost for the program.

Love and Logic program objectives
• Identify the four steps to responsibility.
• Recognize who has the control.
• Offer appropriate choices in order to share the control.
• Identify if a given problem belongs to the child or to the parent.
• Set limits for children using “thinking words,” or enforceable statements.
• Recognize empathic responses.
• Design appropriate consequences for inappropriate behavior.
• Design a strategy for resolving a problem situation, or problem behavior, using Love and Logic principles.